Greetings from the planet Gah!
If last month was Manic May then this month is Jumping Off The Cliffs of Insanity June (ten points if you get the movie reference there…). I’ve written over forty-eight thousand words of book four, reinvented myself as a lifestyle guru, been mistaken for an angel, and burned myself out with the intensity of a dying star. I’ve also read a ton of epic books, written a reverse virgin trope sex scene, and been introduced to the scary world of online dating. So, if you want to experience my hyper-reactive instability from a safe distance, read on!
This monthly update has to start with book four, also known as Musical Games. I’ve managed to write something for twenty-five days during June, averaging one thousand and nine hundred words a day. The last seven days of the month were the most nuts as I wrote just over seventeen thousand words… I’ve been getting to my desk by seven fifteen each morning, usually staying there on and off until late at night, and working to a very tight deadline imposed by a lunatic psychopath known as, er, me. At least I’m on the home straight now, so (fingers crossed, touch wood and all that) the first draft should be finished by mid-July and I can turn my attention back to the first three books.
Unsurprisingly, I’ve been absolutely shattered. Despite channeling Wonder Woman at every available opportunity, there have been multiple moments of complete collapse. I’ve ended up on the sofa attempting to play Mastermind, and lost the ability to tell the difference between my gin and my chin.
Even though I’ve written tons, I had a six day stretch where I only wrote four hundred words. This was when I was trying to write the first sex scene of the book. The task was made even more complicated by the fact that the hero, Jamie, is a virgin, and Sam, the heroine, doesn’t know. Writing intimate scenes is very
hard challenging. There are only so many words you can use to describe body parts without sounding like a medical textbook, and I’ve yet to find the balls to write the word pussy… You’ve also got to balance the physicality with emotions and dialogue, so it takes time. Luckily, it would appear that what I wrote hit the proverbial g spot with my alpha reader, and once the stopper was out of the sex bottle, I wrote three more sexy scenes this month without issue (they used a condom) 🤣🤣🤣.
As well as working on book four, I also read lots. Six of the fabulous books I’ve read are reviewed in two of my blogs this month, and I also read the second book my husband has written. ‘The Hell Above’ is set in a German field hospital at the end of World War One. It’s not exactly my typical read, especially chapter three which is a detailed description of an amputation, but it is extremely well written. As ever, if you’ve read a good book recently that you think I’d enjoy then please let me know.
This month I was approached by a lovely gentleman on the internet who asked me ‘are you expelled from heaven, or an angel forgotten in the world?’ He clearly hadn’t read enough of my posts, or he would have known that the answer is fucking obvious. However this was poetry compared to the profiles my friend has been perusing as she searches for a special someone. I thought I knew a little about sex, but it is clear I know NOTHING. I’ve been googling ‘Shibari switch’, ‘non-ethically monogamous’, and marvelling that there are ‘Beaver Farmers’ in Somerset who are such environmentalists they are looking to ‘eat beavers to save trees’. Sign me up! In honour of this, I’ve created some real and fake memes to see if you can tell the difference..
But if I wasn’t reading or writing, or being grateful I’m married, this month I was setting myself up as a lifehacker. Admittedly, my hacks horrified and confused most people, but I just don’t think they recognise my genius. The first to break the internet was my unique standing desk that I sit at. I bought it from a guy I went to school with, but it languished in its box for months until a series of migraines meant I needed to get further away from my screens. Because there’s not enough room on my tiny desk for it, it sits on the floor. Unfortunately I have to straddle it, so working is a bit like a never ending gynecological exam, but I’ve had no migraines since, so #winningatlife.
Next up was the official launch of The Oven Glove of Destiny. For the last two summers, I’ve been employing TOGOD, along with The Tea Towel of Triumph (TTTOT) to wrap homemade ice pops in and stop them melting when driving to pick my daughter up from school. I have also used The Oven Glove of Destiny to transport a frozen steak from the UK to Tenerife. However, I have now discovered they are DUAL PURPOSE! I have an insulated flask for my coffee that is as effective as a chocolate teapot for keeping drinks hot. I’m now using TOGOD and TTTOT to ensure my drink stays warm for up to half an hour! I’m truly ahead of my time..
And if your mind isn’t already blown, you need to mix Barolo wine with fizzy flavoured water. It tastes amazing, although you may lose most of your
wine connoisseur friends if you do this. Don’t forget to follow me on my social channels for more amazing lifestyle tips and tricks!
In terms of this month’s PUpdate, here’s three of the best: Joy attempting to show me who my chair should really belong to, Chester excited by my alpha reader in a paddling pool, and me failing to get a kiss from Joy.
So, to conclude, I thought I’d end my June monthly update with this exchange between me and my daughter on the way to take her to a friend’s birthday party last weekend.
Girl child – ‘I’m not saying you’re a bad mummy, but…’
Me – ‘Whaaaaaaaaaaat?’
Girl child – ‘I just don’t want you to embarrass me. Can you drop me off at the door and go home, then come back and pick me up later?’
Me – ‘Er, no. By the time I’ve driven home, I’ll have to just drive straight back. I don’t want to spend hours in a car and I want to catch up with H’s mum.’
Girl child – ‘But I don’t want you to embarrass me! You’re always embarrassing me!
Me – ‘Well, you’re going to have to be more specific about exactly how you want me to behave.’
Girl child – ‘Okay, number one: Don’t be silly.’
Me – (trying not to laugh) ‘I don’t know what you mean.’
Girl child – ‘You’re always saying silly things to my friends and acting silly.’
Me – ‘Okay, I’ll try not to be silly. What else?’
Girl child – ‘Secondly, don’t nag me about my food choices. Don’t say ANYTHING about what food I eat.’
Me – (yeah right) ‘Okay.’
Girl child – ‘And thirdly. Can you please, just for one hour, try and act like a normal mummy?’
Me – ‘🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣’
Girl child – (crosses arms) ‘I don’t see what’s so funny.’
Me – ‘🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣’
I hope you’re having a fabulous summer,
Ps – don’t forget to sign up to my newsletter for exclusive secret peeks into book four and more!